“Whenever and however you give birth, your experience will impact your emotions, your mind, your body, and your spirit for the rest of your life.” - Ina May Gaskin
For as long as I can remember, I was determined that when I had a baby I was going to give birth the way nature intended - vaginally with no medications or pain blockers. Some may call me crazy, but if I was going to have my way, this was the choice that I 100% wanted and that felt right. For awhile I was considering a birthing center as opposed to a hospital, to have less medical policy and intervention. It was important to me to have an environment that supports and empowers the woman and her body. Ultimately, we decided to stay with my OB and deliver at the hospital, but I was still determined to have the least amount of medical intervention as possible. I know that different circumstances arise for women and this way of giving birth is not an option or the choice they want to make. I also knew that I had to be open to whatever needed to be done to get the baby here safely, but I was hopeful for the experience I wanted. I am so grateful that Matt was 100% supportive of this decision as well, so as soon as we found out I was pregnant we started praying, educating and preparing ourselves for the experience of natural childbirth. Here are some awesome resources we used:
There are parts of my experience that were a bit traumatic for me, and others that were so beautiful. Both the good and the bad moments are woven together and have certainly impacted my emotions, my mind and my body for life. In the end, we are blessed to have the most beautiful baby girl in our lives. So, without further ado, here is the story of how our sweet Liliana entered the world…
On the morning of February 3, 2022 I woke up around 1:00 AM. This wasn’t unusual as I would typically wake up around that time every night to make a trip to the bathroom. But this time, something felt different. It wasn’t my need to use the bathroom that woke me up…it was a contraction. In the weeks leading up to my due date, I think I had a few small Braxton hicks contractions, but I was never totally sure if that’s what it was. This time was different, though. I knew for sure that what I was feeling was a contraction. I laid awake for about an hour and wondered, “Are these contractions for real? Is today the day we will meet our baby?” I knew that if this was the day, I needed to get as much rest as possible. So, since the contractions weren’t super intense or consistent in timing, I went back to sleep. It was about 4:45 AM when I woke up again. As I shifted my body I felt some discharge down there that felt different than usual. I immediately perked up thinking, “Did my water just break?!” You always hear that it’s not like the movies. There’s typically not a huge gush, some women don’t know that their water has broken, and some women don’t even experience their water breaking until later in labor or until the doctor breaks it. However, my doctor had told me that I had a lot of amniotic fluid and I would know for sure when my water broke, so I didn’t quite know what to expect. I tried to sit up in bed but as soon as I shifted again I immediately knew that there was in fact going to be a gush. I froze. I woke Matt up and told him that I thought my water had broken. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him wake up so fast! He grabbed a towel for me and as soon as I stood up my water definitely gushed. I waddled myself to the bathroom, got in the bathtub and stood there for about 5-10 minutes as the fluid flowed. I could not believe how much was coming out…the movies were nothing compared to this! I was laughing and joking with Matt about it and said, “Thank God this didn’t happen in public!” Along with the laughter and joking, I started to feel excited and scared. It was really happening. I was in labor and we would be meeting our baby that day!
I took a shower and then called my mom to let her know it was baby time! I then called the doctor’s office and they advised me to get to the hospital as soon as possible since my water had broken. We weren’t quite prepared to leave right away, so Matt and I took about an hour to get our things together, load the car, scrape ice off the car (it was -6 degrees that morning) and head to the hospital. My mom met us there shortly after we arrived. I learned that my OB would not be the one to deliver that day because she had surgery the day before. I was a bit bummed to have a doctor that I had not met, but she seemed great so I didn’t let it bother me. Once we got admitted and all settled into the delivery room we ordered breakfast. I was shocked that they actually let me eat and drink water, because I’ve heard most hospitals don’t allow laboring moms to eat or drink. So I definitely took advantage of getting some energy for my body.
For most of the morning my contractions were really manageable and I tried to rest as much as possible while the pain was minimal. Around lunch time my contractions started to get more intense and closer together. I labored for a bit on the birthing ball, but as the contractions intensified I just wanted to be on the bed. From all of our education and preparation, I knew that I was getting to the point in labor where I was really going to have to fight the mental battle that labor brings. I focused hard on my breathing and affirming myself that my body could do this and each contraction was bringing me closer to meeting my baby.
By early afternoon I was laboring pretty hard. I labored a lot on my hands and knees as that felt most natural for me to move my body and focus on my breathing. I had reached a point where the pain was really intense and I just had to moan and breathe my way through each contraction. Matt and my mom did an amazing job helping me to be as comfortable as possible and breathe through my contractions. I also had a wonderful labor nurse who coached me well with encouragement and support. While it was intense, things were progressing well until there was a quick turn of events…
I suddenly had a really painful contraction and felt the urge to push. It seemed too soon, though, so we called the nurse in. Immediately there were at least 4 or 5 nurses rushing into the room, hooking me up to IV fluids, telling me to get on my hands and knees, and one nurse urgently pushing and prodding my belly to get the baby to move. I wasn’t aware at the time, but the baby’s heart rate had dropped significantly, signaling distress, and they were working to find her heart rate again. I was terrified. I had no idea what was happening or if my baby was ok. The doctor came in as well, which scared me even more. I honestly thought I was going to be rushed into an emergency C-section. They had me on my hands and knees, so I couldn’t see Matt or my mom, but I could feel the confusion and concern in the room between the three of us. I just remember pleading with God to protect my baby and get her into my arms alive and safe. Within a few minutes they had me on my back again and were asking my permission to attach a monitor to the top of the baby’s head to try to monitor her heart rate. I was in such a state of panic, I still wasn’t quite sure what was going on so I agreed. They quickly inserted a tube that had a monitor at the end that was supposed to stick to the top of her head, but that still wasn’t working. So they had another doctor try to reinsert the monitor and that one didn’t work either. In the end, they decided that the monitor wasn’t going to stick to her head because she likely had a lot of hair. By that point, though, they were able to get her heart rate on the regular monitor again and it had gotten back to a normal rate. After the chaos calmed a bit the doctor explained that they think with that one contraction, Lily had clamped her umbilical cord, cutting off her oxygen and therefore causing her heart rate to drop. The doctor likened it to a person going under water for just a little too long and coming back up for air but having to gasp and work at it for a bit. She acknowledged that that must have been a scary moment for us all and she affirmed that Lily was okay. From that moment, though, I think I was in a bit of a traumatized and worried headspace and all I wanted was for my baby to be in my arms. This is when I hit the transition phase of labor - the phase that they say is the hardest and is the point where a lot of women no longer want to go naturally and end up asking for an epidural. And I was one of those women. The pain of each contraction was so intense and I was having a really hard time managing my breathing. I was tired and scared from the chaos earlier. I honestly did not think my body could do it anymore. I cried and told Matt and my mom that I couldn’t do it and that I needed help. I needed something to take the edge off. Thankfully, though, my support team knew my plan, supported it, and held me to it. Even my labor nurse did not want to give in to my request for meds. She would make me look her in the eye as she told me that I am strong, that I can do this and she would coach me through my breathing. I truly was surrounded by the best support team, which I think made all the difference in the transition period of labor that was so incredibly difficult.
After a few hours of intense labor I knew it was time to push. The urge to push came on fast and strong. So we called the nurse back in. She did a cervical check and was not sure I was fully dilated to 10 cm. She had another nurse come check me as well and she didn’t think I was 10 cm either, so they told me I couldn’t push until the doctor could come in and check. As if my earlier experience with Lily’s heart rate dropping wasn’t traumatic enough, now the nurses were telling me I couldn’t do what my body was instinctually trying to do. Now, if you know me well, you know that I don’t like being told what I can and can’t do…and when I had been laboring hard for hours and hours and I KNEW my body was ready to push…I started to feel really angry that I was being told I couldn’t do what my body was telling me to do. For several contractions, and what felt like hours (in reality, it was probably only 5-10 minutes), I had to breathe through my urge to push until the doctor came in and confirmed that it was in fact time for me to push.
While the nurse and doctor were very encouraging and supportive of my desire to birth unmedicated, it was at this point that I really started to feel like I was at the mercy of medical intervention and policy. I didn’t think I would birth on my back with legs up in the stirrups, because from all of our education I learned that’s not the optimal position for birth, but it felt like I didn’t have any other choice in the matter. They got me situated, with mom supporting one leg and Matt the other, and with each contraction they had me hold my breath and push for 10 seconds, take a quick breathe, push for another 10 seconds, take a quick breathe and push for another 10 seconds. Honestly, I couldn’t push for 10 seconds. It was so hard, incredibly exhausting and I didn’t feel like I could catch my breath enough to keep up with their count and expectation. I wanted to breathe and push at my own rate, but again, I felt like I had to do things their way. On top of that, the doctor was incredibly invasive, not so gently inserting her fingers and stretching me to try to help Lily’s head come out. The ring of fire as her head pushed through was real and it was intense, but honestly the doctor’s intervention made it so much more painful. I finally had to say something and tell her that she was hurting me and I wanted her to stop. I was starting to feel less and less empowered to allow my body to do its thing without intervention. I was disappointed in myself for not being more vocal about my desire to birth in another position, or to not be coached while pushing, but I knew I was so close to meeting my baby so I just kept going with it. After a few pushes, they offered to bring a mirror in so I could see the progress. That was really helpful and was exactly what I needed to put my all into each push. Finally, at 6:36 PM, after about an hour of pushing, I gave one final push and Liliana was born. The feeling of them immediately placing her warm body on my chest is indescribable. I was overwhelmed with love, joy and relief. Finally seeing my baby’s face and her head full of dark hair, hearing her first cry, and feeling her root to find my breast in those first minutes of her life were surreal and incredible. My body was shaking as the rush of hormones flooded my body. I was definitely in a state of shock for awhile, but it felt like my body was able to process everything exactly how it needed to. It was an emotional moment for all of us - one that I am so grateful to have shared with Matt and my mom. The nurses in the room were praising me for going natural…an experience they don’t see often…which of course made me feel empowered again. I did it. Every detail wasn’t exactly as I wanted, but I accomplished my goal. I labored and birthed my baby without an epidural. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it was 100% worth it! And most importantly, I had my beautiful and healthy baby in my arms - my biggest dream come true!
Postpartum The postpartum journey could have a blog post all to itself, but I will just share a glimpse of those first few weeks. I would describe those first couple weeks as intense. It was a lot to manage as Matt and I were figuring out this whole parenting thing with little sleep and as I was physically healing from giving birth, and my hormones were going crazy. I cried as Lily cried. I cried just looking at her because I love her so much. I cried because I felt so overwhelmed and overjoyed at the same time. I cried when Matt had to go back to work after two weeks. Basically, I just cried a lot. On top of the normal rollercoaster of hormones and sleep deprivation, I ended up getting a pretty severe rash they call the PUPPP rash (Pruritic Urticarial Papules and Plaques of Pregnancy). It’s believed that the rash could be caused by skin cells not being able to keep up as the belly stretches, causing inflammation and damage which then causes the bumps and rash to appear. The rash forms around stretch marks but can spread to the rest of the body as well. For those who get the rash, it typically appears in pregnancy in the third trimester and goes away after delivery, but I was one of the rare cases who got the rash after delivery. I didn’t get stretch marks until my last week or two of pregnancy, and they came on pretty suddenly, so I think my body definitely couldn’t keep up, hence why I got the rash after delivery. For the first week after delivery I just had the rash on my belly around my stretch marks. It was itchy, but was bearable. Around 2 weeks postpartum, the rash suddenly started to spread over my whole body causing unbearable itchiness and discomfort. There were a few nights that I was awake more because of the itchiness of the rash than I was because of Lily. I would sit on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night just crying and putting cool washcloths on my skin to try to calm the irritation. It was miserable. My dermatologist prescribed two different cortisone creams and prednisone. The creams hardly helped at all, so I ended up starting the prednisone and within a couple days I finally started to feel some relief. I still had some itchy spots for a couple weeks, but it was much more bearable. I think having the rash affected my mental health more than anything in those first few weeks of postpartum. It was hard being in pain and being so uncomfortable and then having to care for my baby, but we got through it! And then we got a mild case of thrush…it just felt like one thing after another…but thankfully that was easily treatable and we cleared it up quickly!
We are now 7 weeks into this journey and it has been so hard and so wonderful! It’s fun to watch Lily grow and become more alert. I never know what each day will bring…some are tougher and bring more tears (for both Lily and myself) than others, but there is joy and gratitude to be found every day with this sweet girl!