In October 2018 I wrote a blog titled “When God Says, ‘Not Yet’” When I wrote this entry, we had been trying to get pregnant for almost a year. I was angry, confused, hurt, sad and heartbroken that it just was not happening for us. Yet, I wrote with hope that God wasn’t telling us “No” to having a baby. He was just saying, “Not yet.” Little did I know, that “not yet” would continue for nearly 3 more years.
You may be surprised to learn that in our 3 ½ years of trying we never saw a fertility specialist. I hardly even visited the OBGYN. I know this is typically the first place couples go after 6-12 months of trying with no baby; but if I’m honest, I was way too scared. I was afraid to receive bad news. So, for years it was easier for me to mourn every month that it didn’t happen than to see a specialist and potentially receive a devastating diagnosis. I know by definition of the word, Matt and I were experiencing infertility, but I never wanted a formal diagnosis. The term “infertility” seemed so permanent to me. I refused to believe we truly were infertile, so in my mind I started to tell myself we were just dealing with “delayed fertility”. I wanted to have faith and trust, to the very core of my being, that God would help us conceive a child naturally in His perfect timing.
I feel it’s important to note here that while Matt and I personally did not want to consider fertility treatments in our own journey to get pregnant, we know several couples who have been blessed with a baby through these medical advances, and we are grateful for the Lord’s provision for them through that. Please do not interpret what I’m saying as believing those couples didn’t have the faith or trust that we did, or that they were wrong for pursuing those methods. I believe God leads us, He answers our prayers, and He is faithful in many different ways. This is just our own personal story of God’s faithfulness in our lives.
During our time of trying, I was having irregular periods, which made it incredibly frustrating to try to track my cycle and know when my peak fertile window was. I discovered I had some thyroid issues, so I worked to get that sorted out and it helped…for a while. I would have a few months of regular cycles, but then many more months of irregular cycles. I decided to try acupuncture for a few months, which had some really great benefits, but still no regular cycles or baby.
One thing my acupuncturist did talk to me about was STRESS and the impact that can have on the body and getting pregnant. I knew I was stressed – I had been working on my master’s degree and my job for the past 4 years had been quite a trigger of stress for me. My acupuncturist told me I should quit my job, and even Matt would say that he didn’t think I would get pregnant as long as I was working in that role. I applied for other jobs in my organization, but was turned down for them all, so I just had to power through and pray that my stress wouldn’t get the best of my body for long.
In April of this year, I came across a new job opportunity that I got really excited about. It was a pay cut, which was difficult to consider, but I knew it was something that I would be much happier doing. So, I applied and was quickly hired! During this time, we were also about to move to Wyoming (that’s a story for another post), but it was an exciting time for us!
With a potential move and transition to a new job on the horizon, I decided to finally go back to my OBGYN since I was due for a well exam anyway. I saw a doctor that I had not seen before and covered my medical history and desire to get pregnant. Almost immediately after I talked about having irregular period she asked if I had ever been tested for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Long story short…back when I was about 20 years old, I was diagnosed with PCOS, but then my doctor at the time went back on that diagnosis. I was too naïve to advocate for myself and ask questions or get a second opinion, so I went on believing I didn’t have it. Although, it always lingered in the back of my mind, and I had recently really began wondering if I really did have PCOS. I was thrilled that my doctor caught on so fast and wanted to check for PCOS, so I enthusiastically scheduled my additional appointments for testing and was ready for a diagnosis. Me…enthusiastic to possibly receive a diagnosis related to my fertility? Crazy, right?! My heart was finally ready.
Sure enough, I did get diagnosed with mild PCOS, which honestly was a relief. It explained some symptoms I had and why it was harder for me to get pregnant, but it didn’t feel detrimental. I had hope that pregnancy could still happen with this diagnosis. My OB prescribed me with some medication that was supposed to trigger ovulation so hopefully we would be pregnant soon, but I had to wait until I had my next cycle in order to start the medication. With the move coming up and starting a new job, though, I wasn’t even sure if I would take it that first cycle. So, in my mind, I was thinking it would be at least 3-6 months before I could be pregnant.
Well, my period never came. This wasn’t that odd since I was so irregular, but then my breasts started hurting. I was sure this was a sign that my period was coming because this was a normal symptom I would have about 4-5 days before. Almost a week passed, though, and they were still sore and still no period. We were leaving for Mexico (hello, bottomless margaritas!) in a few days so I decided to take a test just in case, honestly and wholeheartedly believing it would be negative.
It was Wednesday June 2nd, around 3:00 PM when I randomly decided to take a test. I did my thing, set the test on the back of the toilet, and stood up. When I turned around to look at the test, I saw two pink lines. “Wait…WHAT?!” I exclaimed to myself out loud several times. To say I was in shock is an understatement. I just could not believe it. So, I took about 3 more tests to make sure and then Face Timed a girlfriend to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating what I was seeing. I only had cheap test strips so that night (after making it through dinner with my parents and grandma with a straight face), I went and bought some more expensive tests. Over the next two days I took a couple more tests and they all came back positive so quickly. (Goodbye, bottomless margaritas!)
So where was Matt during all of this? Well, he was in Wyoming that week, so I was home alone. I knew I wanted to tell him in person, so I played it cool and kept it secret until Friday night when he came home. (Longest two days of my life!!!) I told him I had a gift for him to take to Mexico (we were leaving the next morning) and he opened the box to see a onesie and all my pregnancy tests. His surprise and joy were everything I had hoped for!
We of course told Matt’s family right away in Mexico (because it was obvious when I didn’t order a drink right away) and then told my parents in person when we came back from Mexico. It has been such a blessing to rejoice with our family and friends, who have also wanted this for so long.
So, I guess my acupuncturist and Matt were right – all I needed to do to get pregnant was to quit my job! Haha but seriously, I was probably only a week or two into my new job when it happened, and I do believe that letting go of a lot of stress and pressure over myself and finally opening my heart to receive a diagnosis, actually opened my womb!
But above all, I will always believe that this is God’s perfect timing, and He had a hand in it all – the job transition, preparing my heart, and weaving this baby in my womb. He has a plan and a purpose for this child for such a time as this. Matt and I feel so grateful and blessed to
be this child’s parents and to have a part in God’s plan for him/her. We cannot wait to eventually meet our baby face-to-face and learn more about this miracle. We are so in love already and are incredibly blessed by all the love we and our baby have received from you all.
“For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him.” 1 Samuel: 1:27