As I prepare for baby #2 I’ve been reflecting a lot on my birth and postpartum journey the first time around. In all honesty, I felt I was still in the thick of postpartum recovery when I found out I was pregnant again about 16 months after having Lily. It’s something that isn’t really talked about often beyond 6 or maybe 12 weeks, but can we be real about something? Postpartum does not have an end date. Just because a mom is cleared by her OB to be “back to normal” doesn’t mean postpartum is over. The postpartum journey is so much more than those initial 6 weeks and let me tell you- it is a doozy! At least it was for me.
The first few weeks and even months of postpartum were difficult as I adjusted to life as a new mom. Outside of the grace and strength of God, I don’t know how moms do it - Trying to keep a baby alive and well while dealing with sleep deprivation, sore nipples, night sweats, and the intense hormone swings all while barely being able to walk for weeks as we recover from birthing our babies. During this time, moms are also discovering a whole new part of their identity as they grieve aspects of what used to be while also cherishing this new role in life. It's all worth it, but what a rollercoaster! I felt the postpartum blues and although it was a difficult season, it very much felt “normal” in the sense that my experience seemed very common and realistic for life with a newborn. As the months went on, though, and I returned to work, things took a turn.
From the outside in, especially on social media, people saw pictures of me smiling, happy and grateful to have my new baby girl. They read my posts that expressed the great joy it is to be a mama. It’s not that all of that was a lie. It was all very true, but it wasn’t the full picture. Most people, even those super close to me, didn’t see the darkness and rage I was struggling with…
Here I was, a new mom, living out my dream, my answered prayer. Yes, I had so many moments full of overwhelming love, gratitude and joy; but at the snap of a finger there was a completely different side of me that seemed uncontrollable. My blues had turned to depression, my worries and fears turned to overwhelming anxiety and my frustrations turned into uncontrollable rage. I had moments when my mind was overrun with intrusive, dark and terrifying thoughts. Most days I felt isolated and lonely, although I was hardly ever alone. I needed so desperately to share with someone everything that was going on. I gave glimpses to some people, but at the same time I could never utter the words I really wanted to say. I couldn’t expose the truth of how bad things really were…even to my own husband. He saw snippets of it, but I don’t think even he understood the full extent of my struggles.
I’m sure my friends and family saw the sleep deprivation, the baby blues and the normal challenges that come with adjusting to life with a baby; but they didn’t hear the slamming of doors, the yelling, cursing, and muffled screams in my pillow; the moments of uncontrollable sobbing as I left my baby to cry alone in her crib because it was safer for her there than in my arms; no one knew the horrific thoughts and images that intruded my mind and the desperate prayers I had to cry out to make them go away. No one knew the lies that the enemy invaded my mind with - that I’m not good enough, that I’m not worthy of being a mom, that my daughter and my family are better off without me.
On top of that, I was dealing with the pressures of comparison to the outside world and the passing comments of others. All of the questions and advice about baby sleep were overwhelming and felt shaming because issues around sleep were a big trigger for my anger. I felt like something was wrong with me or my baby because she needed (and still needs) more help going to sleep, when it seemed like everyone else’s baby could just lie in the crib and fall asleep on their own. My baby refused a bottle, and only wanted mama, making it even more difficult to take in the constant comments about how Matt and I should be going on date nights and having time alone. Plus, I simply was not ready to leave my baby and the comments made me feel wrong for not being ready. The late night Google searches and instagram scrolling to find answers usually did nothing but cause more anxiety or confusion. I was struggling to just trust my mama’s intuition and do things how I felt were best with all of the noise from the outside world pressing into my ears.
My marriage was suffering, my mental, physical and spiritual health was suffering and my ability to be a present mom was suffering. I knew this was not how postpartum should be. I knew it would be hard, but not this hard, not this dark.
I don’t know if it was shame, a lack of understanding or acceptance of what was going on, my stubbornness, or something else that held me back from seeking help, but I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t know who to turn to. I didn’t know how to ask for help or talk about it with anyone because I felt like I should be able to do it all on my own. I didn’t want to live this way, but I think a part of me just accepted that this is how my life would be.
I constantly prayed for God to just take away my anger. It was too much for me to handle and I did not want my daughter to grow up experiencing it. I felt encouraged on the days that were good but betrayed on the days when the anger would take control again.
Why, God? Why would you allow this to be a part of my life…a part of my daughter’s life?
You say you’re my Helper, but where is the help I need?
You say you are my Healer, but where is the healing?
How long, Lord, will I struggle with this rage?
How do I overcome it?
Where are you, God?
These questions were the cries of my heart and the questions that often drove me to doubt God’s goodness or His care for me and my life. I couldn’t understand why my cries for help seemed to go unanswered.
Fast forward to Summer of 2023…Lily was about a year and a half old and I found out I’m pregnant again. Joy, shock and some despair filled me all at once. How amazing that the Lord was blessing us with another baby! But I could barely even handle my emotions and mental state with one child…why in the world did He think I could handle another one? It was at this point that I hit my rock bottom of my mental, emotional and spiritual struggles.
I finally accepted that things needed to change as I screamed at my husband one night, stormed out of the house and found myself in the middle of a very real and intense spiritual battle. The enemy blasted his voice and his lies into my mind, trying to lead me to sure destruction, so I began crying out to God. I felt crazy as I was literally arguing out loud with myself (or so it would have appeared to anyone who would have seen or heard) as I tried to combat the lies.Then, as He does, the Lord stepped into the battle with a whisper. It was a whisper that somehow drowned out the blasting trumpets of the enemy’s lies and my own screams. It humbled me and brought me great peace in a split second. There was an acceptance that God was not going to just take away this anger. He was not going to snatch me out of the desert and put me in the promised land; but He assured me that He had been and would continue to be there with me through this desert. I accepted that there were things I needed to do some work on with both His help and some professional help…and now was the time. I could not bring another baby into this world suffering like I was.
And so seeking help is what I did. I knew I needed a holistic approach to healing this anger so I sought the help for physical, mental, emotional and spiritual healing. The Lord led me to a good Christian counselor who has been helping me to acknowledge and process my anger. It has given me a place to understand my emotional reactions and to allow my anger to speak for herself in a healthy way. It has been a journey that is still ongoing, but I have found so much healing that I never thought I would have. Earlier in the year I had met with a functional medicine practitioner and learned the importance of the gut to mind connection and I began to really focus more on my nutrition and physical health. And most importantly, I stopped treating God as if he was some genie who was there to grant my every wish and I began to seek Him again as my Lord, my Savior, my counselor. I started to seek Him and His word more to see what He had to say about anger, marriage and parenthood and I started to surrender all of these areas of my life to Him.
Do I still have my moments of intense anger? Yes, absolutely. I still say and do things out of my anger that I don’t want my husband or daughter to hear or experience. I still struggle sometimes with comparison to other moms and their kids. I still have a lot of work to do to be a better mom and wife, but I see the progress and I feel God’s grace day-to-day as I continue to surrender all these things to Him. The complete darkness I was in has been invaded by the light and for that, I am grateful.
I want to be careful in how I say this, because I don’t believe anyone should ever have a baby to solve their issues…if anything, becoming a parent will expose and exacerbate your issues, like it clearly did to me…but I really do think getting pregnant with this baby has saved me, and our family, in a way. This precious life, along with Lily, have given me purpose to expose and accept the hard truths of myself and to work on being better so that they can grow up with a healthy mom and Matt can have a healthy wife.
As I approach postpartum for a second time, I am scared. I know how hard and dark things can get. But I am also full of hope that this time will be different. Matt and I know the warning signs now. We know what to look for. We have had hard conversations about everything that we both did wrong and what changes we need to make this time around so that we all stay healthier through this transition. We have set some rules and boundaries for ourselves that I think will help us greatly. (By the way - I believe postpartum depression can affect dads/husbands just as much as it does the moms, so it’s important for dads to have healthy boundaries and seek help as needed as well)
If you’re reading this in the midst of postpartum darkness yourself, if you ever fall into it in the future, or if you’ve struggled in the past and need to process that experience, please know I am here to listen with no judgment. I am here to pray for you, love you and support you. So much focus is put on a new baby…by both the mom and everyone else around…but mamas...please remember that your baby, and your family, need you to be healthy too. Don’t be afraid to have boundaries where needed, don’t fall into the trap of comparison to other moms and babies, and never be too stubborn to ask for help, especially if things get really hard and dark. And most importantly - remember that God is with you through it all. He will not take away the hard seasons, but He will walk with you through them. Parenthood is a challenging and humbling calling, but it is one that the Lord uses to make us more Christlike. As we surrender our hearts, minds, emotions, our babies, our marriages, our sleepless nights and our worries to Him, and really begin to abide in Him, He is faithful to hold us and to change us for the better.
And for those who are walking alongside a mama who is postpartum please check in far beyond the 6 or 12 weeks. Be careful about the comments you make to moms and the questions you ask, especially about how their baby eats or sleeps; don’t push them to leave their baby if they aren’t ready. Don’t just ask about the baby, don’t just come around to only hold the baby. Come around to hold the mama too - hold her up with love, support, encouragement, prayer, and some really nutritious meals! They say it takes a village, and I understand now more than ever what that really means. The village is not just there to care for the baby, but to care for the mom and dad too. Thank you to those in our village who are walking into this second postpartum season with us. Please pray for us, continue to hold us, and keep us accountable to being better!