Many of you probably know that back in July Matt finally got the chance for his dream job. For nearly two and a half years we had been praying, asking God to open the door for Matt to join a law enforcement agency. Over and over doors were closed, until an opportunity arose for him to join Arapahoe County Sheriff's Office as a deputy in the jail. We were beyond excited (and equally terrified) for this chance. Not only did it mean Matt would have a higher income and more importantly be working towards his dream job of becoming a police officer, but it also meant our lives were about to change - a lot!
For the next 12 weeks, Matt would be in the academy, doing 10-12 hour days of intense physical, academic and firearm training. After a quick dinner he would be off to shine his boots, shave, study and go to bed at a decent time to repeat the routine every day after. My job every night: iron his pants...curse those creases...and show my support however I could, even if I only got 10 minutes with him. I'm not going to lie, it was hard. There were several days where I would hear all about his day, but never got to share a word about mine. People constantly asked how Matt was doing, but no one ever asked how I was doing. I felt alone, overwhelmed with the changes this had brought in our marriage and our lives, but I just kept telling myself it's a season. It's a season that was necessary for us to get through so that Matt could fulfill his dream. Plus, I was so excited to be an officer's wife. I was so proud of who he was becoming and was honored to be part of his dream, and a part of a community that so desperately needs more support. I took on this new identity as a LEO wife as quickly as I could because it gave me new purpose, and although I shed a lot of tears through the change, I was excited for what our future would look like.
People often asked me how I felt about Matt wanting to pursue law enforcement and honestly I was never scared or worried. I tried to trust that if God brought him to this career, He would carry him through it. Reality did start to set in for me as the weeks went by, though, as Matt shared more and more about awful situations he may encounter with inmates in the jail, the probability of assault, and the mental health issues and divorce rates among law enforcement communities. I did start to feel some hesitation about the job and I know Matt was feeling it too, but I don't think I realized to what extent, so I just brushed it under the rug.
On the evening of August 23rd Matt and I went to get some ice cream and during the drive I started excitedly talking about planning his graduation party. We were only about 4 weeks out and I wanted to do something special to combine his 30th birthday and academy graduation. But he wasn't excited, and I knew something was wrong. He then proceeded to tell me that after a lot of thought over the last couple weeks, a therapy session, and prayer time he decided he didn't want to finish the academy. My stomach dropped.
It was in that moment I realized our dream had died and so had our identities.
I was sad, upset, confused, and trying to wrap my mind around this decision, because to me it came out of the blue, yet I understood his concerns and reasons for not wanting to continue. I knew I needed to trust God, and Matt, in that moment and I just remember saying, "well, I guess we just need to pray that God gives us a sign to confirm that this is the best decision." In that moment Matt's mom called. He ignored her call. Then my phone started ringing; it was her. I told him just to answer it and talk to his mom, thinking it would be a quick conversation. As soon as I heard her voice through the speaker, though, I knew something was wrong. Our niece, Alexa, had passed away.
I think in that moment we both had peace in knowing that we needed to go to Arizona to be with family and attend the funeral, and there was no way Matt could do that and stay in the academy. In a completely unexpected, yet incredibly clear way, God had given us confirmation.
In the weeks that have followed we have experienced a lot. We have mourned for the loss of Alexa and for all her friends and family who have been affected by her passing. We have been troubled by the serious health issues that arose for my mother-in-law during that time as well. And we have grieved the loss of our dream and our identities.
Here's the thing that God has made clear to me though: Our dreams and our identities are nothing unless they are rooted in Him. Our desires are not always His desires; but sometimes, because we are like little children who keep pestering until we get what we want, He will let us walk through those doors to show us it's not the right way. Our identities will always crumble if we place them in what we do for a living or how much money we make, instead of in Christ.
Psalm 37:3-5 says, "Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act." This does not mean that God will give us our own desires, but rather the desires He places in our hearts, when we commit our lives to follow Him.
If I'm being honest, this is still something Matt and I are learning to do. We are still grieving and experiencing the pain of so much loss in a short amount of time and questioning what's next. But this we know: our circumstances may not always be good, but our God is so good all the time. Our God is faithful and provides. We only went one week without Matt's pay when we were in Arizona, and he was able to start back at his old job right away after that. Thank you, Jesus! And our God has a plan. It's so much bigger and better than we could ever imagine and each step will come at the exact right time. In the meantime we need to seek Him through his Word and prayer, be obedient when He calls, and be still and content when He doesn't.
If you're struggling with finding your identity or your purpose in life I urge you to take it to the Lord. Get on your knees before Him in prayer and read His Word. Submit yourself to Him and His ways. Discover your spiritual gifts*, as these give insight to who God has made you to be and what He has gifted to you to do. Know that Matt and I are not perfect in these practices, but God does bless our genuine efforts, and I know He will do the same for you.
And trust that when a dream or desire dies, God is making way for His desire in your life - and it will be better than anything you could ever dream of or plan.
*I recently read David Posthuma's book Made for a Mission and I discovered so much about how God wired me. It set my heart on fire for a God-given mission. I highly encourage everyone to read this book and take the assessments that go along with it.
コメント